


My Unstable World

by YuriSenpai



Category: Love Live! Sunshine!!
Genre: Angst, Cutting, Depression, Mental Illness, Self-Harm, Title mostly inspired by Yoshiko’s solo, i wrote this as a vent mainly, rip me I guess, trigger warning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-05
Updated: 2018-10-05
Packaged: 2019-07-25 17:52:59
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,290
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16202612
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/YuriSenpai/pseuds/YuriSenpai
Summary: Yoshiko struggles to keep her new pastime hidden when other members of Aqours start noticing her odd behaviour.Please don’t read if you think you will be putting yourself at risk, it is quite descriptive.





	My Unstable World

**Author's Note:**

> I guess this is a lot more depressing than my other works and I mainly wrote it as a vent fic. Please do not read if you feel you will be putting yourself at risk in any way.

Yoshiko was struggling. 

Yohane was her usual coping method. Being able to escape everything and chat shit on the internet for an hour or two while being dressed in her fallen angel gear was her idea of heaven. Whether it was from homework, social situations, family issues - becoming Yohane seemed to be the perfect break and fix to everything, even if only temporary.

But the last few days, even being her favourite persona wasn’t cutting it. Dressing in all her gothic garb and setting up her summoning circles just wasn’t making a spark like Yoshiko wished it would.

She couldn’t bear the feeling of emptiness. With the stress building up due to upcoming practice examinations, Yoshiko was feeling the stress and wished more than ever for Yohane to work for her. But she wouldn’t.

She hadn’t even been streaming much. By the time she had all her junk set up and done her makeup, she didn’t have the energy and instead just curled up to sleep on her bed.

She had to find another way of blowing off steam.

So she did. 

Yoshiko wasn’t sure when her cutting became a regular thing.

At first it was just a one off thing, when she really needed to take her stress and turn it into some other feeling by dragging a blade through her skin. It was refreshing, and she would only give herself a few cuts each time on her hips, so they would be easy to hide under the waistband of her panties when getting changed at school. 

But at some point, the pressure of her school work and the stress of preparing for Love Live caught up with her, and gradually the bad habit became more and more often. Not only were they more regular, but deeper, longer and in greater quantities. She moved from her hips to her thighs, as they were the second best hiding place for her unhealthy hobby. Yoshiko could barely take a school day without feeling the need to take the dangerously sharp metal to her skin and hurt herself; by the time she reached the final bell she would be itching and burning with the desire. If they had Aqours practice, this only amplified the feeling and she could only pinch and scratch at her hands for a little relief. 

Yoshiko began to find the wait from morning to evening unbearable, and was soon struck by another idea; bringing her blade to school. It. was small, just taken off the bed of her craft knife and could fit snugly into her bag.

[BREAK]

Quickly looking behind her, Yoshiko scanned the hallway to make sure nobody was around. The coast seemed clear. Clutching her schoolbag and the drawstring bag she used to keep her training clothes in, Yoshiko headed cautiously into the bathroom and straight into a cubicle. There was a limit on the time she had, for students would be coming in to clean up in there shortly, and she had Aqours practice to get to, but Yoshiko knew it was something she has to do. 

Hurriedly, she dug in her bag and pulled out a smaller toiletries bag, containing a few pads, painkillers and tissues. Within one of the tissue packets, a small glinting blade was revealed. 

Yoshiko was burning for release as soon as her hand closed around the blade. With one hand, she closed the toilet seat and unzipped her skirt. The material pooled around her legs as she stepped out of it to sit on the toilet. 

If anyone had been able to see up Yoshiko's skirt, they would’ve seen her scarred and mutilated thighs. They were patterned with many cuts, some scabbing, some scarred over, some still bloody. Her skin shone through gaps in the angry red, and seemed even more pale in comparison. 

Finally, Yoshiko dragged the sharp metal across her thighs in a downward motion. The breath she had been holding was let out in relief as the blood welled up in the fresh mark. 

Closing her eyes, Yoshiko could feel the adrenaline pumping around her body and shivered in anticipation. 

Feeling something was nice.

Again, she brought the razor across slightly and dragged downwards firmly.

And again. 

And again. 

And one more.

Then another.

Yoshiko slashed at her thighs. Blood droplets pooled and slowly ran down her legs. 

Shuddering, Yoshiko leant back and tilted her head upwards with her mouth open and panting. She felt warm and alive.

Getting lost in her pleasure world, the fact she was working on limited time had slipped her mind. Until she heard her phone buzz in her bag. Yoshiko snapped her head down suddenly towards her bag.

She almost dropped her bloodied razor in shock. With a shaking hand Yoshiko reached into and dug around her bag and searched for the device. Her fingers came into contact with the cool metal and pulled it free.

Riko's face flashed upon the screen. Her heart skipping a best, Yoshiko debated if she should answer it. If she didn’t, when she turned up at rehearsals later, it would be a bit awkward.

Sucking her breath in, Yoshiko pressed accept and held the phone to her ear.

“Yocchan? Rehearsals have started, Dia is getting mad because you’re not here...” Riko said quietly, “Where are you?”

Yoshiko hurriedly dabbed at the bleeding cuts with a wad of tissue before attempting to pull her leggings free from her training gear bag.

“I -uh had to stay behind for something...” she muttered out the complete lie. She didn’t sound convincing at all and Riko pulled her up on it.

“Hanamaru and Ruby said you hurried out before they could say a word to you.”

Yoshiko bit her lip and tried to force her leg into her leggings. This was especially difficult when standing on one leg and only being able to use one hand. The blood from her cuts hadn’t stopped flowing completely and still dripped down her leg. Yoshiko was thankful that her leggings were black, so the blood wouldn’t show through.

“I wasn’t feeling well... I thought I was going to be sick...” Yoshiko hated how unconvincing she sounded despite trying to out her all into it. Riko still seemed hesitant, as if she didn’t believe Yoshiko.

“If you’re not feeling well, don’t worry about practice. I’ll tell Dia and you can go home.”

“No it’s fine, I feel much better now!”

Yoshiko could’ve smacked herself. It turns out that trying to have a phone conversation whilst focusing on dressing yourself wasn’t such a good idea because it led to stray thoughts and things you don’t mean to say.

Riko definitely didn’t believe her after that.

“I’ll be five minutes... I promise I’ll be there.” 

With that, Yoshiko hung up. 

No doubt Riko would mention her odd phone behaviour to the others, which would lead to questioning. 

As she shoved her phone back into her bag, Yoshiko yanked her skirt out and pulled it up over the leggings. It would be a few extra layers to stop the blood then. She quickly changed out of her top and then wiped her razor off. Another tissue was used to wrap it in, and then Yoshiko was ready. 

Hurriedly she barged out of the cubicle and out of the toilets to head towards the club room. Thankfully, there were no three students or teachers about to tell her to stop running. She ditched her bag in the club room and ran up to the rooftop.

Before entering completely, she peered around the door to see what everyone was doing. Although she expected them to be stood around discussing her, to her surprised they were all in formation and getting grilled by Dia. 

However nothing escaped Dia's eager eyes.

“Yoshiko! Get out here now! You’re late enough.”

Seven other sets of eyes turned Yoshiko's way. Turning red with embarrassment, she appeared from behind the door. Riko caught her eye for a brief second, before Yoshiko ripped her gaze away and tried to pretend like their phone call didn’t happen. 

Dia's harsh gaze rested on her.

“25 press-ups, and then you can join everyone else.” She ordered.

Yoshiko wasn’t in any situation to complain or object so instead she dropped and began her punishment. Even though the others went back to their dance formation and practice, Yoshiko could still feel Riko's gaze resting on her. It made her slightly anxious.

'What if she can see the blood?' 

No she can’t see the blood I have black on.

‘It will bleed through to your skirt'

No it won’t. There’s too much between it.

Yoshiko argued anxiously with herself; in the process loosing count of her press-ups.

It wasn’t until her arms burned did she realise that she had forgotten to count. She guessed the number had far passed 25 and stood up shakily. Dia glanced round at the movement and nodded for her to join in.

Pretending not to notice Riko's gaze in her direction, Yoshiko tried to focus on the dance. It was difficult.

Especially when she was so concerned about the blood showing through her leggings. 

“ I think we’re done for today,” Dia sighed, pinching the bridge of her nose. She tried not to make it obvious, but Yoshiko was clearly the reason behind the early finishing of their rehearsal. Despite being so close to Love Live, Yoshiko was making basic mistakes in the choreography and missing her cues. It was embarrassing, as she could feel the disappointing stares of the other members on her back when she wobbled around or spun the wrong way.

“Everyone should try and get some rest this weekend,” Kanan smiled gently, looking Yoshiko in the eye reassuringly, “we're all tired.” 

Mari nodded in agreement.

“We still have time! There’s still over two weeks until the Love Live and we have our full weekend rehearsals next week to nail things!” Mari put her hands on Dia's shoulders and smiled widely. 

Dia shrugged her off and walked away. She always felt the stress heavily, but didn't mean to come off awkwardly.

Ruby and Hanamaru paired up and walked off towards their water and towels, giggling as they did so. You and Chika were messing around and having a laugh - whipping each other lightly with their towels and making the other shout. Kanan and Mari headed off down the stairs, presumably to calm Dia down a bit.

Yoshiko felt guilty she had enraged the brunette so much and vowed to apologise later. 

She turned to head down the stairs.

Yoshiko jumped when there was a hand on her shoulder.

“Can I join you?” Riko smiled. It seemed innocent enough, but Yoshiko knew she was going to be grilled about her odd behaviour. 

“Y-yeah, of course...” 

Walking slowly, to give the third years time together, Riko and Yoshiko made their way down the stairs, at first in silence.

“Yocchan?” Riko said quietly.

Yoshiko held her breath.

“Yes, Lily?”

“Is everything okay with you?”

The question hung heavily in the air, and Yoshiko stopped in her tracks. Her eyes didn’t quite meet Riko's as the redhead continued to speak.

“You’ve been acting really off recently. I don’t know if it’s because of the live or what... but I’m really worried about you.” 

Warm hands clasped Yoshiko's sweaty palms and squeezed gently.

Her head swimming, Yoshiko gulped and closed her eyes.

“I-I'm fine...”

Yoshiko didn’t sound certain. She had hoped to sound more confident than that. 

Riko carefully placed an arm around her shoulders and rubbed gently. 

“Yocchan, if you need to talk, you know I’m always here. I promise. I’m not going to judge you or anything...” Riko left her sentence seemingly open, hoping Yoshiko would say something. The dark haired girl remained quiet.

Yoshiko could feel her cuts burning with the weight of her secret. She itched to pull at the scabs and run her nails deep in the wounds but she settled for digging them into the palm of her hand because she couldn’t just whip her pants down while Riko was there.

The burning persisted.

“Yocchan...?” Riko looked more concerned with the lack of response. She didn’t want to push her too much, but it was important that she got an answer.

Their emotionally charged conversation was halted as another set of feet pattered down the steps. 

“L-let’s go.” Yoshiko pushed herself forward, leaving the unanswered question and marching on. 

Riko didn’t need an answer. After that, she could definitely conclude Yoshiko wasn’t okay.

At a much slower pace, she followed Yoshiko back to the club room. Behind Riko, the other members followed along at their own speed.

When Riko arrived at the club room, the third years had already changed at lightning speed, and were sat waiting. Dia had her head resting gently on Mari's lap with her eyes closed, while Kanan sat on the other side and played with her hair lovingly. 

Riko ensured she was quiet enough not to disturb them, and slowly went about getting her own clothes together. Yoshiko had her back turned, and was rapidly switching the skirt she wore over her leggings for her school skirt. Her fingers trembled as she fumbled with the zip. She kept the same pair of leggings on underneath, and just hoped nobody would question her why she hadn’t put her socks back on instead. Riko studied her for a moment before averting her gaze; she didn’t want to make Yoshiko uncomfortable.

The quietness in the room was soon disturbed though, when Chika and You came bounding in, squirting water at each other and attempting to dodge. 

Dia's eyes shot open but Mari's hands kept her firmly planted on her soft thighs.

“You-chan! Stopppppp!” Chika yelled, holding her towel up as a barrage of water came her way. You laughed as she managed to catch Chika right in her face.

The two seemed to quieten down when Mari shot them a gaze which was unnaturally serious for her. Dia didn’t settled back down again though. 

Ruby and Hanamaru soon came in, both already worn out from practice so they remained fairly quiet.

Yoshiko seemed quite tense as the other girls filed in and stripped down. Sweat beaded on her forehead and she struggled out of her shirt. 

“Ah! Chika-chan!” You helped as a towel whipped across her bare legs, and turned to see Chika's smiling an evil shit-eating grin, holding her towel poised and ready to strike in one hand. 

Yoshiko felt herself smiling a little at the antics of the two. 

After that, things seemed to progress smoothly, and once all the girls were changed, Mari jumped up, yanking Dia with her.

“We will drop you off, if you like Ruby. Dia is coming back to mine so she won’t be on the bus.” Mari said, smiling at the younger girl. It was assumed that Kanan would also be going back with the two, for she tried to subtly hold Dia's hand but it wasn’t well hidden in the slightest.

“That would be really nice...” Ruby said quietly, stifling a yawn - training always made her drowsy.

Mari put her hands on Dia's shoulders and steered her from the room.

“Ciao everyone!” She called out, Ruby and Kanan in tow. 

“You on the bus tonight, Riko-chan?” Chika asked, looking towards the redhead. Riko nodded in confirmation as she pushed her training clothes back into her bag.

“You’re walking right Yoshiko?” You asked, they normally walked together for part of their journey, unless one of them got picked up - which was unlikely. 

“Yeah...” she said absentmindedly.

“I’m getting picked up, zura, so I’ll see you all tomorrow.” Hanamaru piped up with a tired smile, “I’m going to head off now because my grandma is waiting...”

Chika grinned.

“Bye Maru!”

The other girls gave her a wave as she headed off.

The second years spend a bit of time tidying up the club room before they headed out, while Yoshiko stared emotionlessly at the blackboard instead of wiping it. She was so spaced out, she didn’t even notice the lights being which off and the room becoming notably dimmer.

“Yoshiko! I said we’re leaving!” 

You’s voice brought her back to reality.

Hurriedly, she scramble for her bag and followed them out.

[BREAK]

“Yoshiko was acting weird today...” Chika said suddenly, and also quite noisily. Other passengers on the bus frowned in disapproval. Riko hushed her and tried to control the red embarrassment creeping onto her face as she caught eye contact with a frowning older woman.

“You think so...?” 

“Yeah... she didn’t correct anyone when they called her Yoshiko at all... not once! Not even before we left. She seems really distant...”

Riko nodded sadly and directed her gaze to outside the window. Everything Chika had said was right.

“Do you think she’s okay? You’re quite close...”

“I don’t know...” Riko didn’t want to expose Yoshiko too much, but she knew Chika just wanted to help her to feel better, “I asked her and she said she was fine. But she was shaking.”

“Let’s just make sure she feels better! We can try to cheer her up tomorrow or at the weekend. I think she felt a little bad thats she made Dia angry too.”

Riko nodded.

“Any ideas?”

[BREAK] 

The relief was only temporary. It always was.

That’s why she had to do it.

The vicious cycle of hating herself, mutilating her skin, the sweet bliss that lasted a brief 20 seconds, before the shame set in. It would repeat. Often repeating so many times her blade was so slick with blood that it was difficult to keep it in her hand and Yoshiko desperately scraped at the skin.

Yoshiko felt that it would be one of those nights. With the extra paranoia of Riko being on her trail, and the privilege of her mother being out late, Yoshiko felt a great need to exercise her habit. 

Kicking her bedroom door shut, Yoshiko dumped her school bag on the floor and fell face forward onto the bed. She heaved a heavy sigh of relief when she came into contact with the fresh sheets, feeling the stress and strain of school slipping from her for a brief moment.

That moment, was indeed very brief.

In mere seconds she was up again and vigorously digging through her school bag. Papers and pens were flung to the floor, and Yoshiko dug deep for the object of her desires.

She had more razor blades. Like every other teenage girl she shaved unwanted hair of her body, and it wasn’t difficult to obtain another razor. But this blade was a bit different.

Anxious to find it, Yoshiko shook her bag upside down. Her toiletries bag fell first and she dove for it. Ripping it open she found the tissue with her tiny razor shoved haphazardly inside.

It was a race to get her clothes off. Heading towards her en suite she shed a layer, one by one; her shirt and skirt, her leggings and panties, finally leaving her stood in her bra and a vest. Her thighs were sticky with blood from earlier and she grimaced at the mess.

As she lowered the razor, with intent to attack her thighs once again, Yoshiko caught sight of herself in the mirror.

Pale and sickly, her white face shone against her dark hair while her eyes seemed cloudy and dull. The angry red cuts across her hips and thighs stood out clearly in the harsh lighting of the bathroom. 

The only feeling that came with the aftermath was shame. The mess was hurtful to the eyes, and Yoshiko hated seeing what she’d done to herself. Turning away, she lowered the razor again to her skin, slashing once again.

**Author's Note:**

> Might continue idk depends on what else’s I do in my time. I should be writing other stuff.
> 
> So yeah. After being stuck with writers block and in a depressing circle I shat this out instead


End file.
